on my new journey

Today, I made a life changing decision.

It came as a surprise to many. Actually to be frank, a surprise to everyone, except for WK as I have been discussing with him for ever so long.

I had not discussed with anyone before, simply cos I was afraid. Afraid others will say the words I didnt want to hear. Afraid I will be made wrong before I even made it right.

I have been toying with this for at least 2.5years, and today, I made a decision to quit my job to be a full time mom.

Its a big deal to me as my little voice kept on telling me...

1. I will have no financial independence
2. I will give hubby undue pressure for making him the sole breadwinner
3. It will not work cos I am staying with my inlaws and I would interfere in their space with the kids when I am away
4. My academic qualifications will be wasted
5. etc, the list goes on

The little voice in my head (some call it conscience, some call it reasoning, etc) kept on telling myself I am right. I should not do it for all the above, although a part of me wants to be the best mom since my son was born two and a half years ago.

I know a lot of women can have it both. As it is quality over quantity, some say, when it comes to time spent with the kids. But I guess, its not the same for all men (or in this case, moms). 

I am someone who cant compromise, if I want to be a mom, I want to be a 100% mom. I want to be here any time when they need me. I want them to know that their mom prioritise them over mostly everything else. And that, really, they are absolutely important to me. I want them to know that they mean the world to me.

K will be starting pre-nursery in a month's time. He will finally be going to independent school daily, I wont be there with him in the classes anymore. And, I really want to be there for him at least before and after school. I want to be there for him to tell me all that he had learnt in school, what the teachers said, what snacks did he have, what songs did he sing... I want to be a part of his life as much as he still wants me in it...

It really took me a lot of courage, to let my little voice down. I have met with many courageous women who went down that same path, and I take a little of their bravery with me to make this big decision. Now, I am simply really happy and at peace with myself, for I know this is what I want to do, at least when the kids are still small.

One day, I will go back to work full time. Or maybe, I may even take up the offer to do freelance project work in a few months' time. Who knows what life has to offer? But for now, I am contented knowing I am finally doing what I think is best for the kids, to have their mom with them full time, 24/7. After all, they are the little ones who made my life matter as much as it does today, made me who I am.

Before I go, I am finally leading Landmark's transformed life, mainly cos in this instance, I no longer needed external gratification (other than that from my other half). I am happy that my best friends, my mom and my MIL could share the joy with me. None of them questioned my decision (I had tot they would), they all just said they support me if this is what I really want, and my MIL said it is cos she knows this is a good decision for the kids. 

Strangely, I had thought I would revel at their acceptance of my decision, but I didnt. I didnt feel any more right than I already do just cause they understand. Rather, I just feel happy that they are happy that I am happy.

I am starting a new journey and I have with me a lot of optimism, joy & excitement. Of course, like any normal human being (so I was told) there is a fair share of anxiety and fear. I will make it alright, cos I simply know I would.

Fear

(Photo from http://cvillewords.wordpress.com/2007/04/)

Never had I thought that I will ever put up the photo of a pest - especially one of which my better half is absolutely terrified of... and perhaps, he would no longer be the only one in our little fmaily of four.

I just had to, had to, give credit to the pesky insect for it, gave me.... freedom, happiness & hope (and now, guilt).

No, I have not gone nuts, but since 2 nights ago when K saw two of the above in the room, I have been given natural ammunition.

Let me explain....

• It usually takes K at least 30mins (sometimes even up to 1.5hrs) to really fall asleep after hitting the sack. For you see, he is ever so fond of singing (tho he cant pronounce well nor can he rmbr the whole lyrics of the songs or poems) and for this, he will sing the night or afternoon away. When he dont sing, he will yabber non-stop to talk about anything. Only after he is contented, he will quieten and relax to sleep.

• Because of the above, whoever who puts him to sleep, has to stay rooted where she is - for me, its easier, sleep becomes me as I always lay next to him. But for his grandma and Gigi, they will suffer (I bet) from pins and needles sitting on the floor beside his bed.

• Before he really fall asleep, he will also pop his right thumb into his mouth and suck away. If I threaten him to stop, he will then put his Meow's buttons into his mouth or even his Rabbit's ears. Anything before he stucks his thumb right back in thinking I am no longer looking.

• So sometimes, it really tests one's patience to put him to sleep.

And as I was saying, since the roaches came along, I had invented stories. 

1. No swallowing toothpaste - he was squeezing his kid's toothpaste (strawberry flavor, I think) into his mouth and enjoying the snack. I nearly fainted and told him, cockroaches like to eat boys who eats toothpaste. Hence, he should not eat toothpaste else they will come out at night when he sleeps to eat him up.
2. Once in bed, quickly close eyes and mouth so the roaches cant enter to eat his eyes or his teeth.
3. No thumb sucking as obviously it meant that his mouth will be open and thus roach will enter etc etc
4. Must brush teeth before bed as otherwise roaches will crawl in to eat the leftover food scraps stuck between teeth.

One must agree, the intent behind all the above is pure and good, but now it gets scary as the poor boy actually believed his (evil) mama (of course he would! He is only 2.5yo!). 

For 2 days and nights, he has been to sleep easily. Tonight especially (story #2 only created at afternoon nap today), he fell asleep in 10-15mins through clenched mouth and utterly shut eyes. When he peeped, he said "Mama, close eyes" cos my lovely boy's scared I will lose my eyeballs.

Yes, I do get my extra time (see I can even blog after such a long absence) and yes, I am extremely happy we may put his thumb sucking habit behind us permanently (if it continues to work) and wow, his 2 front teeth wont be too "bugs bunny" after all.

But hey, have I surpressed a child's natural creativity (he no longer sings - at least today) and innocent courage by causing unnatural and irrational fear for a pest? I hope I have not done more damage to my already timid son!

Daddy's style

22 Jan 08 - Before i go into the difficult part of narrating events over the last few weekends (which daddy brought his kids out), i wish to highlight the fact that it is way much easier and fun to hang out 1-on-1 parent with kid alone... or rather daddy with kid alone..

Put it into a simple equation:-

1) Family outing = parents + kids + (usually maid) + stroller +carrier  + kids bag + loads of water + breast pumps/ice packs + ready cooked food + utensils + bibs + loads of wet wipes + extra clothings + many many diapers + milk powder + milk bottles + car + toys (if going to beach) + $$$$$$ + lots of discipline

2) Daddy's outing with kid = daddy + kid + (max 01 pair) extra clothing + car + $$$

Real examples:-

1) sentosa (12 Jan 08) - 

"papa..water"... $$$ buy cold mineral water off shelf....

"lunch..oops..no bibs, utensils, wetwipes"

".never mind.. 1 last piece of tissue to share with papa.. just need to wet it with some water".... 

"tissue not enough???!!" 

"nevermind boy... u see that water fountain over there?"

"all wet already!! no towel.. how??" 

"nevermind.. yr underwear still dry? (just kidding).. use the dryest part of yr wet shirt to wipe yrself.. improvise..kiddo!"

"papa..no diaper, no underwear..." 

"boy...underwears are for gals (kidding again).. nevermind..no need to wear underwear.. just tell me when u need to osh osh..(pee).."

"boy.. pls dont fall asleep after lunch" - he did..." no stroller.. .... daddy had to sing, " i luv log PT (physical training)..siong siong  log PT..."

2) jacob ballas (20 Jan 08)

"papa hungry".. 

"ok 01 cheese fries, 01 apple juice, diet coke coming"

"papa ..why apple juice so long never come?" 

"its ok.. u can have my diet coke first"

"wah shit.. order wrongly.. apple juice sealed with ice.........its yr lucky day boy"

"forgot to wear diaper again" 

"papa osh osh".. 

shit.. papa did another 100m under 13mins before reaching the nearest toilet..

"raining!!".........

"papa got umbrella... " 

"what are you thinking of?!"

Guess it sums up how simple things are to men...hhmm.. not sure if all men think or behave the same way.. anyone else to concur??

2007, 2008, ramblings ramblings

Everytime I write, I will start off feeling really guilty and apologetic for not writing any earlier. It is really starting to bore even myself. Its 2008, start of a new year, and seriously I ought to get my act together.

I like reading blogs but I have not had the inspiration to write much. Hmmm... Bad, after all, this is supposed to chronicle the life of my kids! But the lesser I write, the more backlog I have, the more I start thinking of how to pick up, the more it snowballs, and well, the less I have the inclination to write. There is just so much to say. My goodness. It never ends and soon, time just flies by.

Anyway, 2007 has passed and by jolly, Mei will be turning ONE in a month's time.

I expect her to really start fighting with her brother soon - he who pushes her, snatches toys from her hand, scolds her. Everyone tells me, soon, I wont have to be the referee or put K in the naughty corner. She will be able to fight for herself. Wow, maybe then, instead of just one kid in the corner I will have 2, both of them, wailing my ears off.

Hehe parenthood really is funny.

K is at this age where he is starting to talk, he can explain things, can even form 4-5words sentences. And well, I am awestruck. I mean, this is the first time MY kid has comprehension knowledge. I mean, since I had kids 2.5years back, it has always been, me me me, doing the talking. At most I have a grunt, a smile, a yell, a cry - you know, those expressions indicating yes or no, Now I have this little human who can express himself. I am between feeling 'Wow, cool' and well, amazed.

As for Mei, she is so much taller now and soon losing her baby fats, yes, she still has the michelin rolls of fat but they are becoming softer, whilst K has totally lost his.

The kids, I think, are starting to look like each other. Weird. They look so different but yet so alike. Mei has a very oriental look whilst K still looks a little ang moh - my view. Haha, if you think I have spent too much time with them, and seeing their faces converging, no lah! Haha, its some photos that show their resemblance.

Oh well, I am happy I found some photos to upload! These were taken on Christmas Eve with SL when she came back on home leave... It is so good to meet with great gal friends and I have not seen her for so long since she started working in HK.